It came out of nowhere. A casual conversation, maybe 25 seconds in. “You’re going to breastfeed right? You know that’s important.” WHOA. Back. It. Up.…
I felt like I was dying. Not the “I-see-the-light-and-it’s-my-time” dying, but the “I’m-exhausted-overheated-pregnant-nauseas-running-uphill” dying. I was on my first leg of a triathlon relay in…
The conversation started on a run, around mile 7. The sky was a bright orange, the mountains stained pink. I was training for a 24…
There I was, sitting in my pajamas at a ridiculous afternoon hour, sorting through photos. I decided getting lost in the closet was a better…
Your heart is pounding. Chest is tight. Hands are shaking. Vision a little questionable. You want to Hurl. This Person. Across. The Room. Someone just…
It’s been an insanely painful yet hysterical last few days. Blood, screaming, cursing, fast driving, needles, then laughter pretty much sums it up… But I’ll…
Hell: “Any place or state of torment or misery.” “Extreme disorder or confusion; chaos.” “The powers of evil.”* Damn straight. Couldn’t have said it better…
It came out of nowhere. A casual conversation, maybe 25 seconds in.
“You’re going to breastfeed right? You know that’s important.”
WHOA.
Back. It. Up.
The whiplash was instant. My annoyance felt sharp. This stranger had the balls to ask me about breastfeeding and he didn’t even know my name.
Did he have good intentions? Probably. Did he realize he looked like an ass? No. Definitely not.
I felt like I was dying. Not the “I-see-the-light-and-it’s-my-time” dying, but the “I’m-exhausted-overheated-pregnant-nauseas-running-uphill” dying.
I was on my first leg of a triathlon relay in the middle of a scorching Utah afternoon. I didn’t expect to feel so deflated so soon. I had 20 miles to run and 300 yards to swim. How am I faltering this early? How the hell will I cross the finish line?
Something in my mind clicked.
Stop letting your mind wander. Stop bitching. This is what you trained for.
I drew in a deep breath, straightened my posture and willed myself forward.
Two months before this, my husband said he wanted to join a group of friends for a 24-hour, 285-mile triathlon relay race. You are out of your damn mind, I thought. Straight up nuts. He used to do triathlons. He’s WON triathlons. I’ve never done more than a 5k.
I mulled it over for a few days. Was it so crazy? I knew I could physically do it. It was my mind I had to convince.
The conversation started on a run, around mile 7. The sky was a bright orange, the mountains stained pink. I was training for a 24 hour triathlon relay. I was a hot, sweaty mess, but I was determined. One more mile to go. I drew in a deep breath and looked up.
I asked for guidance. I was dying for the next chapter, but was unclear what it would look like. What direction would my career go in? Would I have a child? What would happen over the next year?
What is my purpose?
I finally said, out loud, boldly: “I’m ready. Show me the way. I’ll be responsible with whatever you bless me with.”
Days later, I found out I was pregnant.
Marriage by 25. Network TV by 30. That was always the plan.
It sounded pretty great when I was 15. Of course, God and the universe had a hell of a different idea in store.
Hard lessons. Heartbreak. And a nice little detour to rock bottom with a slow rise to redemption.
25 came and went. I kicked off 30 with marriage vows and a huge promotion at work. I had everything I wanted.
A few short years later I was happy at home but exhausted– and confused– about my career. I asked myself, am I truly where I’m supposed to be right now?
That moment of reflection forced me to take a hard look at what I wanted. I had to get honest with myself and honest with God.
There I was, sitting in my pajamas at a ridiculous afternoon hour, sorting through photos. I decided getting lost in the closet was a better use of my time than laundry.
I take a moment to study my face, my body language. Each snapshot brings back a warm memory, albeit some more hazy than others. My friends and I smile brightly as we celebrate the final days of our innocence. Flash forward through college, multiple out-of-state moves, a couple of bad breakups and an awful decision or two. Sweet Lord time flies.
I take a minute to examine a few particular photographs. I look happy. Silly. Sometimes ridiculous. (Why the hell did I wear that?!) I try to remember what we were doing and how I felt. Some days were amazing and filled with adventure, love, spontaneity and crazy shenanigans. Other days the lines blurred and the light in me would fade.
